Monday, December 13, 2010

Plight of a UPiet in Chennai

Disclaimer 1: I have many Madrasi friends. If you are one of them, Saalon gussa mat hona. I’m only trying to look at a lighter side of the problems by exaggerating a little.
Disclaimer 2: If you my non Madrasi Friend. Ap to samajh hi sakte hain.
Disclaimer 3: If you are not my friend, jo samjhna hai samjho.

So let me describe the day of an average UPiet in Chennai.

Gets up by 8 am in morning. Yaaawwwnnsss… fuck. Why do I have to go office every day? Anyways, ab bhaiyya office hai to jana hi hoga. Irritated at the fact that he has to work for the rest of his life and can’t just sit at home and make merry on dad’s money he gets up, gets done with daily activities and gets ready for office. Sala formals me jana jaroori hai. Jaise ham agar jeans pahin ke chale jaenge to kaam hi nahi karenge. Farji nautanki! So after getting ready, this guy sets out for office. But before going to office our guy has to have breakfast. Misery time boy. Bhaiyyaji Goes in a decent looking hotel and looks up the menu card. Ame Gajodhar, ee ka ka likha hai be menu me? Bhaiyya Fatte, pachaas nautanki na karo, khana ho khao sasur nahi to bhookhe maro. So our guy orders a plate of idli, sambhar and it is served to him. Ye kaha aa gaye ham… Gadaulia ghat pe poori sabzi aur jilebi ka kitta badhiya naashta mil raha hoga :(. Anyways he finishes his breakfast and then orders one coffee. Kyu be Gajodhar. Coffeeya to badi badhiya banai hai. Haan be Fatte hame ummeed nahi thi. Anyways he finished the coffee and sets out for office.
On the street he calls an Autowallah to reach mount road where his office is located.
UP Guy: Bhaiyya mount chaloge?
Auto wallah: Hindi ille saar.
Beda Gark!!
UG: ok, will you go to mount road?
AW replies in a sideways head motion which makes it difficult to comprehend whether he is willing to go or not. This can be yes and no both. Its amazing how they produce that head motion.
UG: Yes or NO?
AW: yes saar.
UG: How much(with an exaggerated hand motion)
AW: vaan twenty rupis saar.
Saala chor. Ye autowale sasure har jagah chor hi hote hain kya? Hamko laga Gorakhpur wale hi aise the, ye to yaha bhi wahi hain. saala pachaas rupaya kiraya hai aur ek sau bees bol raha hai. Ruko batate hain.
UG: Thirty rupees.
AW: what saar…
UG: No No I’m not going with u.
AW: saar seventy.
UG: No man. Sorry I’m taking another auto. (You bloody come down to fifty else I actually am taking another auto)
AW: No saar (speaks some tamil) seventy (tamil) rate (some more tamil).
Now, UG is thoroughly irritated.
UG: Bhag bh***. Jane do.
AW started speaking angrily in tamil.
Saaale haramkhor, abhi tak izzat se baat kar rahe the to samajh nahi aa rahi thi baat ab gariya diye to samajh gaye wahi hindi. Latkhor nahi to
UG walks speedily to another AW(AW2). AW1 follows him speaking angrily in tamil
UG: Going mount road?
Before AW2 can utter a word, AW1 starts speaking to him loudly.
AW2: how much u give saar?
UG: Fifty, not more than that. Sala chutti le ke ghar baith jaange lekin pachaas se jada nahi denge.
AW2: ok lets go.
UG is relieved and AW1 is still shouting in tamil.
Anyways, UG reaches office. Thank fully in office almost everyone speaks hindi and those who don’t understand Hindi speak English. Bhala ho angrejo ka jo angreji chod gaye bhaiyya, nahi to aaj ham naukari chod chad ke azamgarh bhaag jate .
Works till lunch and in lunch goes to office canteen.
There’s rice and three daal type things in small bowls and curd. Kya Roti hai hi nahi. Ham to bhookhe mar jaaenge Gajodhar. He bhagwaan aisa kaun sa paap kiya tha hamne? Kaha subah dopahar raat har waqt roti khaate the aur yaha chawal ke alwa kuch hai hi nahi :( :(
Anyways, he starts eating.
Abe sab kuch khatta hai. Teeno katoriyon me khatti daal hai. Saaala imli daal ke banayi hai kya.
Somehow, still half hungry, the guy leaves canteen.
Feeling sorry for self, the guy somehow endures the rest of the day and reaches his room.(luckily has less trouble with autowallahs this time).
When he reaches his room, he finds that the maid to whom he had given his clothes for washing has returned with the clothes. He takes the clothes and counts. One pant is missing.
UG: Where’s the black pant?
Maid: (very fast tamil)
UG: Listen, speak a little slow and speak at least one or two words of English.
Maid: English ille saar.
Fuck!! I must have been a sinful bastard in my past life. That’s why I have to endure all this.
Dear UG goes, finds another person in neighboring room of building who speakes tamil and asks him to be the interpreter as he speaks English. And finally UP wale bhaiyya learns that the black pant has been given for ironing and he’ll get it in morning. Dhat tere ki. Khoda pahad aur nikali chuhiya.
Frustrated, UG thinks, after such hard day he has earned himself at least a good meal. Goes to a north Indian restraint. Has a lot of chicken Tandoori, chicken Kashmeeri and Roti. Then devours some soft drink and pays a bill of four hundred rupees(sala dhang ka khana khane me kangaal ho gaye). And then mentally preparing himself for next day, goes to bed. Bhaiyya kal office bhi jana hai.
Badi kathin hai dagar panghat ki bhaiyya… Pitashree bolte the ki paisa kamana asaam kaam nahi hai to hame lagta tha ki yaar papa to bolte hi rahite. Jaake paav na fati biwaiiii….



Chaliye ab bahut der ho chuki hai aur hame bhi kal office jana hai.
I’ll write again when and if I have a new story to tell.


Signing off,
Miyan Fatte

21 comments:

Always Happy said...

Hey Pranjal,

Humka tumra post bahoootahi pasand aai gawa bhaiyya par kya hai ki hum tumka bataayi dein ki hum madraasi hai...oo waaley madraasi nahi jo asli madras se hai par hum oo waaley madraasi hai jo actually bangalore se hai par jisko UP mein madraasi hi samjha jaata hai.

true, breakfast mein khaali idli, vada, dosa sambar milta hai restaurants mein.

haha..imli waali daal..tell me abt it....lemon size ki imli padthi hai her curry mein.

Coofeeya??? hahaha..love it!

OMG...Hindi Illey Saar...hahaha...thats exactly how it is told in madras.

sideways head motion!! correct...haan mein bhi naa mein bhi sideways head motion hota hai.

Tumm humra khoob mazaak udaaye ho is post ma phir bhi humka tumra post acha laga..tumra observations ki hum daat deti hoon..well done...humm raah dekhengey tumra next postwa ki!

pranav said...

bhai khatton ki watt laga di is me...
mast likha hai...

Fatte said...

@always happy- dhanyavad... Acha laga apko pasand aya ;). Har jagah kuch na kuch hota hai jiska majaak uda ke hasa ja sakta hai. U identify those things and u'll be laughing forever.

@pranav- sale watt nahi lagaye hain kisi ka. Kahe maar khilane pe tule ho :p

Aakash said...

Bhai humare to haste haste pet dard karne lag gaya. Bahut mast likha hai aur chennai ki yaad aa gayi.
Bilkul sahi bola chennai me ho to aisa hi hona tha.
Chalo All the best for future. May God bless you.

Fatte said...

dhanyavad sharmaji. tumne chaar saal bitaye hain yaha, tujhe to mujhse achi tarah pata hain yebaatein :P

Shweta Srivastava said...

hey Happy,
This is an awesome piece of writing and i throughly enjoyed reading this blog...

aahah...i dont feel like saying this but yaaaa ,lemme confess...i m fan of ur wrinting hehehe...

aur Miyan fatte ke bare main kya bole ,humari puri humdardi hai unke sath...aur ?Gajodhar bhaiaya to bas kamal hai..

wese bahut hi dil khol ke likhe ho...ek dum tabiyat se gariyaye ho..mann to bada khush hoga???
bhai thoda control main rehna..

And yes keep writing...ab to tumhari autograph leni padegi ;) hehe...thoda jyada hogaya na..hahah
I know, but really fun reading this.

Fatte said...

@didi- Dhanyavad, Dhanyavad. waah aapko pasand aaya hamara likha, jeevan safal ho gaya. Rukie ghar aate hain to dete hai autograph :P

Shweta Srivastava said...

acha ji...bahut jyada udan na bharo...sidha neeche ajao..waran achese pitai hogi apki . samjhe :)

Fatte said...

arre are... Dekh lo bhaiyya. Shuru badappan dikhana. Maan gaye didi.
Aage se koi gali galauj nahi karenge. Promise!

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IRFANUDDIN said...

well... what to say....hahahahaha.. in fact i hav been dere @ madraas couple of times...and got to deal wid dese madraasis.. and its the same scenario u hav created, which every one has to deal wid.... gr8 narration.. very well penned story....CONGRATS.

do spare ur time at my blog...
http://irfanurs.blogspot.com

Fatte said...

thanks irfaan :)
we do face some difficulties outside our home.
glad u liked it, i tried to let the UP inside me speak :P

Lakshmi Rajan said...

*turns my head left and right*

Enna saar... nalla iruku saar :P

- Lakshmi Rajan

Fatte said...

thank u thank u sirjee...
had to consult my colleague for that comment :P

Always Happy said...

Pranjallllllllllllllll....waiting to read your new posts....thoda tho waqt nikalo likhney ke liye...you have got a way wth words...

Shweta, Thank you sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much. I only just read this comment. If you happen to read this comment, please accept this as an invitation to my blog. I am unable to read your blog. Is it a registered site?? once again, thank you so much.

Fatte said...

@AH- thanks :) main nikaalta hoon waqt. are bohot bada kaamchor ho gaya hoon main. but really thank u and u really motivate me :):)

by the way... wo shweta di ne 'happy' naam se mujhe refer kiya hai :P. that's what i'm called at my home :P

Always Happy said...

hehehehehe...i made a ''boo boo''...

Tho nikalo na voh comment...kyon accept kiya??

And yeah still looking forward to your new post!!

Rajath said...

ha ha was waiting to come to Mohali ended up in Chennai!! ur way off target dude!! Chalo iss bahane kuch likhne ko to mila...!! Nicely written dost!!

Roli said...

omg sir, i was laughing like anything after reading this...
so nicely written.
one thing i conclude, you have a good sense of humour.;-)

Fatte said...

@Roli: Thanks :)
Glad that i had you laughing :)

Mohit Raja said...

cant stop reading :)